Skip Talbot
EF5
Inspired by Jeff Miller's "Different Forms of Chasers" thread, I've come up with my own satirical lampoon of chaser types for the pure purpose of humor. None of these types target any individuals directly, so please don't take it personally if you feel you associate strongly with one of these groups. I did not have you specifically in mind when I wrote this, but have identified large groups of people for each category. I've tried to lambaste all groups of chasers equally here. I'll post it here in W&C as its a commentary about chasers, but understand if its more worthy in the B&G because its satire.
Add your own types, or tell what group you think you belong in, but keep it impersonal regarding other chasers, please. I think I'm an "Amateur chaser" and a bit of a "Techno chaser."
Add your own types, or tell what group you think you belong in, but keep it impersonal regarding other chasers, please. I think I'm an "Amateur chaser" and a bit of a "Techno chaser."
- The Newbie Chaser is probably one of the largest groups of chasers. Embarrassed by their fascination with this bizarre and unhealthy storm chasing obsession, they haven’t fully “come out” yet. Newbie chasers look to join groups of other Newbie chasers for moral support and a sense of belonging. Newbie chasers are working on their first fully condensed tornado, or just saw their first.|
- The Veteran Chaser believes they are at the top of all chasers. Never mind all the tornadoes they missed last year, they got “The Big One” back in ’82. While the title suggests that other chasers who gain sufficient experience will also become veterans, it’s actually a fixed group and a dying breed that chased prior to the 1996 release of Twister. Despite their total count, veteran chasers scored one fully condensed tornado last year.
- The Media Chaser could care less if the tornado is fully condensed. Somebody’s house better be exploding in their viewfinder or their chase has busted. They never chase upslope setups in the unpopulated high plains, but prefer high risk setups in populated areas of the Midwest and South, and will take an after the fact damage shot over a shot of a rope. Media chasers saw at least one fully condensed tornado last year but only the debris cloud is visible in their video.
- The Money Chaser may also be a media chaser or at least a close cousin. They follow behind in the wake of nature’s most devastating and life ruining forces for one purpose: profit. Calls to their broker are made before calls to the National Weather Service (if they are made at all), and the chase is over when they’ve got “the shot.” They guard scans of their 10 year old 35 mm shots with a vengeance and are prepared to rain hell fire on those who right click them. Money chasers show only one heavily watermarked still of a fully condensed tornado from last year.
- The Attention Chaser gets their fix not from the tornado, but from the attention they receive from intercepting a tornado. Not every chaser can become nationally famous, but they certainly believe they are top in their own social group. Their dream catch is seeing their name on the bottom of a Weather Channel spot, but would prefer if their name was a lower two-thirds rather than a lower third (consumes more space than their footage). First to post on Facebook and Twitter, Attention chasers saw one fully condensed tornado last year because they were too busy looking good than looking for tornadoes.
- The Whacker Chaser is also an attention chaser or a close cousin. Their moment to shine is during the chase. The star float in the chaser convergence parade, their vehicle is plastered with so many stickers, antennas, lightbars, and non-functional weather instruments that their vehicle gets more attention than the tornado. They are the know-it all, top notch chasers to the don’t-know-any-better locals and fans gathering to gawk at their vehicles prior to initiation. Whacker chasers saw one fully condensed tornado last year after missing a few good setups working on their vehicle.
- The Techno Chaser relies heavily on technology to get them to a tornado. They may flaunt it like a whacker chaser, but often have more bells and whistles inside their vehicle than outside. This group loves building their chase arsenal and being on top of the latest electronic upgrades more than being on the storm, and would chase in a windowless nuclear submarine if they could. Never mind what’s on their live internet video stream, “is it up and running?” is a more pressing matter. Techno chasers saw at least one fully condensed tornado, but only through an LCD screen and missed several more after their laptop encountered a blue screen.
- The Old School Chaser believes that technology is the devil and that “real” chasers use analog devices only. Instead of GPS and cell phones, its paper maps and ham radios. Live radar is cheating. Old school chasers were at the top of their game in the 1980’s when catching a tornado every other year was an accomplishment. Now you’ll find them 15 miles from a storm claiming they are after structure shots when instead they are oblivious to the tornado show. Old School chasers got their coveted fully condensed tornado last year, but missed several while they were stopped on the side of the road thumbing through a gazetteer.
- The Wannabe Chaser is caught up in the hype and fascination of storm chasing, but lacks the will power and basic knowledge needed to get in a vehicle and drive towards a thunderstorm. They sate the appetites of attention and whacker chasers, are heavily influenced by them, and hope to become an attention or whacker chaser someday themselves. Friends with over 500 other “chasers” on Facebook, they believe they are part of the “chasing community.” Even if they claim they have, Wannabe chasers have never seen a fully condensed tornado.
- The Spotter Chaser is the only legitimate chaser in their own minds. Armed with an inkjet printed certificate, meaningless number, shiny plastic spotter badge, and ham radio, they are prepared to drive to the end of the street and save their town from approaching shelf clouds. They are plagued with an over eager ambition to be a hero rather than report accurately, and thus are responsible for up to 80% of false funnel cloud reports. Spotter chasers claim they have seen fully condensed tornadoes, but more likely, it was just ground obscured scud or smoke from a burning leaf pile on the other side of town.
- The Law Enforcement Chaser, unlike the spotter chaser,is armed with a real badge, an exclusive radio that the spotter chasers simply listen to, and a gun that is completely useless against tornadoes. Their qualifications for reporting severe weather end there. In complete control of most situations, they are powerless in the face of Mother Nature’s wrath, and drive around frantically with blaring lights and sirens, setting up road blocks behind tornadoes, and are distracted from the hundreds of traffic violations committed by other groups of chasers moving through their jurisdiction. Law Enforcement Officer chasers saw at least one fully condensed tornado, but it was quickly proven by other chasers to be a “sherriffnado.”
- The Local Chaser has a chase range of the county they live in. They consider themselves to be just as established as any of the other groups of chasers even though their total mileage for last season came in at just over 200. They are ready to chase at a moment’s notice, but only if they are under an active tornado warning. The chase is over when they drive outside of town and see dark clouds moving away to the east. Blurry and un-resized photos of nondescript cloud bases appear on internet forums shortly afterwards, labeled as tornadoes with confirmation coming from other (un)reliable sources. Local chasers have never seen a fully condensed tornado, but believe they do every time they chase.
- The Porch Chaser has a chase range extending to the end of the front porch. They often complain that they are always just outside of SPC’s risk areas, and that they never get any good storms, seemingly oblivious to the catastrophic consequences of having their house at ground zero. They wish more than anything to see a tornado, just as long as that tornado is going down their street, and preferably within view of the window they are sitting next to so that they don’t have to get up and walk to a window on the other side of the house. The porch chaser tells grand stories of the tornadoes they were “in” or “near”, but has never seen a fully condensed tornado.
- The Amateur Chaser is the “Average Joe” storm chaser. Rejected by other social circles, they have turned to storm chasing because of its introverted and objective-less nature. Why engage in an activity that requires friends, teammates, or has a goal of winning when you can roam the vast expanses of the plains, wallowing in self pity and staring at clouds? On the field, they despise seeing other chasers on “their” storm. Off the field, they cling to the chaser clique as it’s one of the few they belong to, but their defensiveness quickly leads to feuding. They say they choose not to belong to one of the more elitist groups of chasers because they believe in a more “pure” form of chasing, but it’s really because they aren’t good enough for the elitist groups. Amateur chasers saw more than one fully condensed tornado last year, but they missed the best ones and beat themselves up over it.
- The Ego Chaser may also be a Veteran chaser or at least thinks they are a veteran chaser. Their over-inflated value of self worth leads them to believe they are better than all other groups of chasers and stems from the legendary wedge they bagged 10 years ago or the brief reality TV show spot they held. Their opinion on all things chasing is the right opinion, and their observations in and off the field are fact, built on the credentials of number of years chased or number of tornadoes seen. Those with countering opinions and observations are “disproven” on the basis that they have less number of years experience or number of tornadoes seen. Ego chasers saw one third of the fully condensed tornadoes they claimed they saw last year.
- The Chaser Chaser is more interested in seeing other storm chasers than storms. Regardless of what the storm is doing, a cluster of other storm chasers requires that they stop and join the party. The ultimate catch is seeing an armored intercept vehicle drive past, which they then have to follow. They are most commonly spotted parked in huge knots or lumbering along in long caravans behind the hook with no view of the tornado in progress just to their northeast. Chaser chasers saw at least one famous storm chaser who witnessed a fully condensed tornado while they were chatting it up with the group.
- The Excessive Chaser is out on every single setup. Two percent tornado risk 1500 miles from home? Yep, they’re there. They take chasing to a level that should result in their committal to a rehabilitation facility, and is the result of problems that should be studied by addiction specialists. Excessive chasers saw dozens of fully condensed tornadoes last year, but with great strain on the few family and friends they have left.
- The Academic Chaser is most proud of the University they belong to than the storms they have intercepted. One of the most elitist of chaser groups, they believe the grant money they receive to study storms places them above all other groups of chasers, collectively known as “recreational chasers.” They may have a better understanding of the fluid dynamics comprising tornadogenesis, but few of them realize they are outclassed by the recreational chasers on how to actually be present for tornadogenesis. Academic chasers saw one fully condensed tornado last year, but wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars in grant money being out of position while over analyzing data.
- The Adrenaline Chaser,otherwise known as the Yahoo, has not successfully intercepted a tornado until they have actually intersected it. Getting their fix requires nearly dieing and a strong shot of adrenaline, followed by shouting "yahoo!" With little regard to life and property, especially their own, they can be spotted racing into circulations, speeding excessively, traveling cross country, or any other number of insane maneuvers. The tornado becomes this lunatic chaser's PCP-like drug, enabling them to overcome their short comings with death defying stunts. Adrenaline chasers saw no fully condensed tornadoes last year, because from their position inside the vortex, they couldn't see the condensation funnel.
Last edited by a moderator:
